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Friday, 30 April 2010
Depression
Mood:  blue

I have suffered from depression my whole life, my first bout was at about the age of 13, and i tried to kill myself by taking an overdose. Since then i have suffered from bouts of depression every 3-4 years for about 5 months at a time.

When im not depressed im a very bubbly happy person, Im very witty, i constantly sing, making up my own lyrics as i go, to fit the situation! For instance, i have a bit of an addiction to baileys coffee's, and me and my partner call them magic coffee's. If i want my partner to make me a magic coffee i have a couple of songs that i sing to her requesting this, one to the tune of "magic moments" and one to a melody i made up myself, i even have a song for her if she asks me if i want a magic coffee.

So as you can see i am very silly and child like when im not depressed! 

When i am depressed i am very snappy and irritable, my mood is very dark, and it takes very little to put me into a rage. Now im quite an intimidating fella, im 6'7", covered in tattoo's and weigh 18 stone, so as you can guess me in a rage is not a pretty sight!

I believe there are many reasons for my depression, i suffer from mild sleep apnea, which means i wake several times during the night and very rarely get more than 4 hours unbroken sleep. However despite this i have bags of energy most of the time, which only decreases when i am depressed.

I also had quite a bad childhood and grew up in foster care, and have no contact with my family, apart from my twin brother who lives in Poland so is not really around for support! 

 And finally i believe my inability to form a lasting relationship has a big impact on my well being! Love is a luxury i have rarely been afforded, i spent my whole childhood feeling unloved and desire it more than anything else. But every relationship with women i form rarely lasts more than a year, my longest been 4 years, but the last 2 years of that relationship were just going through the motions.  

 I know i am at fault, i make the wrong choices with women, i do have issues that not every woman understands, but i try my best, and give all i can, both emotionally and physically, but it never seems to be enough!

If i could understand why i get depressed maybe i could do something to change it, I hate been this low, life is for living, and i want to get back to living my life, if only this cloud above my head would part and show me a ray of sunshine!

In every life some rain must fall but this is ridiculous!! 


Posted by bigad9 at 6:35 AM EDT
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