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Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Medical profession

It now seems the catalyst for my depression is sleep apnoea! Why has it taken the medical profession 20 years to realise this?? For years i have been going to doctors to complain about the fact i wake at least 3-4 times a night and rarely get more than 4 hours unbroken sleep! I have also been going to doctors for years about my depression!! But it took me researching the reasons i wake and making a self diagnosis of sleep apnoea, and then raising this with my GP, for them to put 2+2 together!

And to make matters worse when i told my GP i believed it was sleep apnoea, his first reaction was "well that means you cant drive anymore!!" Im suffering from depression, i have to drive as part of my job, and im a car lover (my GP is aware of this as we have discussed before due to my choice of cars and my back problems) and this was how my doctor thought he should break this news to me! 

All i can say is thank goodness for the internet! Without it my condition may have gone undiagnosed for years, and i would have continued to suffer.

The moral of this story is if you are having any sort of medical problems, do some research yourself, and then tell your GP your findings!!

Im now waiting for an appointment for the sleep clinic to see how severe my apnoea is and if it can be treated, and despite what my GP told me i will be able to continue driving if its shown it doesnt affect me during the day, and as ive been driving for 20 years and never had an accident that i was responsible for, i strongly believe it does not affect my ability to drive!

Posted by bigad9 at 5:18 AM EDT
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Friday, 30 April 2010
Mood:  blue

I have suffered from depression my whole life, my first bout was at about the age of 13, and i tried to kill myself by taking an overdose. Since then i have suffered from bouts of depression every 3-4 years for about 5 months at a time.

When im not depressed im a very bubbly happy person, Im very witty, i constantly sing, making up my own lyrics as i go, to fit the situation! For instance, i have a bit of an addiction to baileys coffee's, and me and my partner call them magic coffee's. If i want my partner to make me a magic coffee i have a couple of songs that i sing to her requesting this, one to the tune of "magic moments" and one to a melody i made up myself, i even have a song for her if she asks me if i want a magic coffee.

So as you can see i am very silly and child like when im not depressed! 

When i am depressed i am very snappy and irritable, my mood is very dark, and it takes very little to put me into a rage. Now im quite an intimidating fella, im 6'7", covered in tattoo's and weigh 18 stone, so as you can guess me in a rage is not a pretty sight!

I believe there are many reasons for my depression, i suffer from mild sleep apnea, which means i wake several times during the night and very rarely get more than 4 hours unbroken sleep. However despite this i have bags of energy most of the time, which only decreases when i am depressed.

I also had quite a bad childhood and grew up in foster care, and have no contact with my family, apart from my twin brother who lives in Poland so is not really around for support! 

 And finally i believe my inability to form a lasting relationship has a big impact on my well being! Love is a luxury i have rarely been afforded, i spent my whole childhood feeling unloved and desire it more than anything else. But every relationship with women i form rarely lasts more than a year, my longest been 4 years, but the last 2 years of that relationship were just going through the motions.  

 I know i am at fault, i make the wrong choices with women, i do have issues that not every woman understands, but i try my best, and give all i can, both emotionally and physically, but it never seems to be enough!

If i could understand why i get depressed maybe i could do something to change it, I hate been this low, life is for living, and i want to get back to living my life, if only this cloud above my head would part and show me a ray of sunshine!

In every life some rain must fall but this is ridiculous!! 

Posted by bigad9 at 6:35 AM EDT
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Thursday, 22 April 2010

Why do religious groups always seem to pray on the vunerable? I know its because there more suceptable to the crap they are preaching, but does religion have no ethics! And bloody jehova's witnesses are the worst, they dont just convert, they brain wash. My sister is a highly intelligent woman but because she's been very vunerable lately, and looking for answers they have snaired her into the trap of religion! And to hear her speak about it breaks my heart! She has lost the objectiveness that made her question things in the past. And even tho the bible was written by men claiming it to be the word of god she now believes everything it says, word for word, where in the past she would have questioned the validity of such claptrap. I am not an athiest, i believe whole heartedly that there is something that we can not comprehend which created the universe, but as an intelligent being i also know that if such an entity exists that we would be like ameoba to it and it would have no desire for us to worship it! Would we create a bacteria and then desire it worship us? Of course not because to us it is nothing more than what it is, something we can create in a whim and destroy just as easily! Also the bible preaches that god is all powerful and perfect, yet the same book talks of god killing, god been angry, god needing to be worshipped, gods need for loyalty, god being jealous and envious, god being extremely petty, this is far from a perfect being! Religion was created to control the masses, law and order was a lot easier to inforce if the belief of everlating damnation is drilled into peoples minds! If god really exists why has he not shown him self to us? the world is a far worse place then it ever was, yet i see no great flood, no visit from the messiah! According to religious teachings god loves us all, if that is the case why did he let poor baby P suffer for 2 years and die in pain needlesly? Religion will tell you that the bad in the world is the devil and not god and god is just trying to show satan than when push comes to shove the human race will choose him, oh and he's also punishing us for the sins of  Adam and Eve!!! So this so called perfect god is willing to let billions of innocent children suffer and die for an eternity, in order to prove a point! And even tho i made all these points to my sister she still believes god is good and religion is real, when the evidence she presents in the bible proves this not to be true, which can only mean one thing. . . she has been brain washed! I asked her as i have asked all religious people, if someone wrote a book in modern times, and claimed it was the word of god would she believe them! She of course said no, but then immediatly said the bible was different cos it was the word of god! How can an intelligent person be so blinkered unless they are brain washed! Im am deeply concerned for her especially when she tells me she put her last £10 in the collection box because she believed god would provide for her!!! In my humble opinion religion should be banned!! More people have died in the name of religion than for any other reason! The troubles in the world today between muslims and the rest of the world it due to religion! I want my sister back! I want the person who would have seen the holes in the bible, who would have seen how ridiculous the claims of people turning to salt and seas parting are! But now instead i have a sheep who believes everything this religion tells her simply at face value, with no evidence to back up the spurious claims! religion sucks!!!

Posted by bigad9 at 7:22 AM EDT
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Mood:  chatty
Why is it that no matter how happy we are in life we never feel complete unless we're in love? What is it about the human brain, which makes it behave so irrationally? You hear of it all the time, people who have everything you could desire, apart from love, and they end up destroying themselves!! I'm very happy with everything i have, great kids, job i enjoy, no real money worries, car, house, fairly good health, i look great for my age, i have nothing to be unhappy about, yet i feel incomplete! I laugh, i smile constantly, i act like a child with my children and despite the impression these blogs may give i am generally a happy person, but still i feel incomplete! And all love brings is heartache and pain, so why do i crave it so??? This is what my brain has problems dealing with! i dont crave been kicked in the balls because i know it hurts like fuck, yet i crave something which inflicts a pain far more painful and who's memory is not easily erased!! Am i a madman? but if i am so are 90% of the worlds population! Love is the most powerful thing on earth, men have fought wars for it, poets write sonnets about it, nearly every song ever written is about it! What other thing in life triggers so many different emotions: joy, passion, need, desire, despair, jealousy, anger, hurt, belief, infatuation, lust, longing, heartache, and that feeling when you hold the one you love tightly and feel totally and utterly complete, when you feel you are almost part of them! I wish we didnt need that feeling, life would be so much simpler! Love is the most beautiful thing and the worst all rolled into 1,it lifts us up, then tears us down, and the more it hurts us the more we desire it! Or is it just me? Do i see love in a weird, mishapen way? Am i the negative factor in the equasion! I know i play a factor, i'd be naive to think otherwise, so maybe if i didnt desire it so much i would feel more complete, and not be as needy, and so be happy to be alone? All i know is i should be happy with what i have but im not and i would give it all away (apart from my kids) for love! Now how irrational is that! lmao!!

Posted by bigad9 at 3:59 AM EDT
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